1. All Boston Celtics fan must now name one of their pets Ubuntu. If the Celts beat the Lakers, fans must bestow that name upon a male child. If they win back to back titles, the child must be the firstborn, regardless of gender.
2. Whenever Jordan Farmar records an assist, one member of ABC's announcing crew must point out how unsurprising it is that a Jew is racking up dimes. This is why Charles Barkley needs to be involved in the broadcast of every single sporting event.
3. To even things out for next season, this year's Larry O'Brien trophy winners will be forced to add Isiah Thomas to their front office. The runners-up must make Chris Wallace their GM. Boston Three Party my ass...
4. Kobe must have sex with someone other than his wife at halftime of Game 1 (is she willing? Text 7273 to vote yes, and 5437 to vote no).*
5. The losing team must choose between drinking a vial Magic Johnson's blood, or watching reruns of every episode of "The Magic Hour". I'd go with the former...
6. Kyle Korver will introduce Lakers' Vujacic, Radmanovic, Gasol, and Walton to shampoo and give Paul Pierce a razor with which to shave those ridiculous looking chin pubes. Despite the rematch this is not the '80s.
7. Speaking of the 80's, short shorts will not be tolerated. No one wants to see Kobe Bryant's Mamba (except Katelyn Faber...oh shit, son!) or Garnett's Big Ticket. The Lakers tried this in a regular season game against the Celtics, with predictable results.
8. Drink every time the Basketball Buddha outcoaches Doc Rivers. Have stomach pumped before the start of second quarter.
9. Boston must be referred to as Jesus and the Twelve Apostles after every shot Ray Allen hits. Brian Scalabrine guest stars as Judas.
10. All self respecting Lakers fans must respond to "Beat L.A." chants with "18-1" chants. Jack Nicholson must wear a mansierre at every game. Come on, Jack, do it for the children.
*The numbers have significance. Can you find out how? Hint: What do the numbers spell?
Justin Ames is...excited that Stephen A. Smith will only be yelling at my television set for another two weeks, tops.
-The Schwab
Saturday, May 31, 2008
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
10 Phrases Yankee Fans Fear the Most
Imagine all of these are said by Michael Kay. Now pick your favorite pair of scissors to shove in your ear. These are in no particular order...except for #1. Without further ado:
10. 2 men on, 2 outs, bottom of the 8th, down by 1. Let's see if Morgan Ensberg can come through in the clutch here.
9. In to try to close it out for the Yankees, LaTroy Hawkins.
8. Ian Kennedy to get the ball tonight. He's looking to bounce back after his last start.
7. Crawford on first.
6. So Ramirez comes up as the go-ahead run.
5. Pavano is still on the books for $11 million this season.
4. Derek Jeter, ranging to his right.
3. Joba's ERA has ballooned since becoming a starter.
2. Oooh and A-Rod pulls up lame after trying to beat out the slow grounder.
1. Kei Igawa was called up from AAA Scranton/Wilkes-Barre early today. He'll get the ball as the Yankees take on the Red Sox. We'll be back with lineups and first pitch.
If a British friend starts bragging about their 2-0 victory in today's soccer match, feel free to punch them in their horrible teeth and remind them that we totally kicked their ass in that war...you know...uhh....World War II...yeah!
-The Schwab
10. 2 men on, 2 outs, bottom of the 8th, down by 1. Let's see if Morgan Ensberg can come through in the clutch here.
9. In to try to close it out for the Yankees, LaTroy Hawkins.
8. Ian Kennedy to get the ball tonight. He's looking to bounce back after his last start.
7. Crawford on first.
6. So Ramirez comes up as the go-ahead run.
5. Pavano is still on the books for $11 million this season.
4. Derek Jeter, ranging to his right.
3. Joba's ERA has ballooned since becoming a starter.
2. Oooh and A-Rod pulls up lame after trying to beat out the slow grounder.
1. Kei Igawa was called up from AAA Scranton/Wilkes-Barre early today. He'll get the ball as the Yankees take on the Red Sox. We'll be back with lineups and first pitch.
If a British friend starts bragging about their 2-0 victory in today's soccer match, feel free to punch them in their horrible teeth and remind them that we totally kicked their ass in that war...you know...uhh....World War II...yeah!
-The Schwab
Monday, May 26, 2008
The Purple-Lipped Wonder
Before I get started, can we commence Operation Let's Get Shelley Smith on a Treadmill? She's a great reporter, but seeing her within 30 minutes of eating results in uncontrollable projectile vomiting. Thank you.
Well, well, well. Since their embarrassing 12-2 loss to the Orioles on Tuesday, the New York football Yankees have won 5 in a row. There is one primary reason for this, and he enjoys the company of manly strippers.
In a move that will no doubt incur the wrath of the editors at the New York Post, I am naming Alex Rodriguez my MIP 2008. The play of the Yankees this week shows that there is no person more important to his team, this year, than the most comfortably compensated player in baseball.
You could refer to traditional stats (batting average, runs scored, RBIs, etc.). You could refer to stats that actually tell you how well a player plays (OPS+, on base pct., VORP, etc.). You could simply refer to the Pinstripers' win/loss record with versus without him. But for my money, the best measure for exactly how massive an impact A-Rod has on the Yankees is to watch the rest of his teammates hit.
With The Most Dangerous Hitter in Baseball in the lineup, pitchers are far more likely to want Damon, Jeter, and Abreu to put the ball in play. The difference is noticeable. The batters directly in front of A-Rod are getting much better pitches to hit and taking advantage. Pitchers fear the mythical creature that is A-God to the point where they offer up cookies to Mr. Calm Eyes and The Candyman (El Comedulce - Translation: The candy-eater. I'm not kidding.)
Rodriguez's return has also had a major impact on the hitters behind him. Nearly every one of A-Rod's at-bats are stressful for the pitcher, as he has an uncanny knack for making a pitcher throw 5+ pitches per plate appearance with no margin for error. In addition to raising the pitch count, Rodriguez sees a greater than normal amount of breaking balls during his average plate appearance. This allows the following batters to get a good look at the pitcher's offspeed stuff, giving them another huge advantage. Giambi, Cano, and Melky are also benefiting from the pressure A-Rod puts on the pitcher. Pitchers fatigue more quickly facing a hitter of A-Rod's caliber (see: A-Rod), and are more likely to make a mistake to the other hackers.
The 8th inning in yesterday's game is the perfect example. Jeter led off with a walk, causing Mariners' manager John McClaren to bring in Arthur Rhodes (!) to face Abreu in a Lefty/Lefty matchup. Abreu had a 9 pitch at bat, 7 of which were fastballs, before cranking a heater into right-center for a double. McClaren then motioned to the bullpen yet again to bring in his closer, J.J. Putz (side note: A-Rod also brings balance to the lefty-heavy lineup. One of the reasons McClaren felt forced to go to his closer with no outs in the 8th and men on was because A-Rod destroys lefty pitching like Britney Spears destroys my faith in Middle America). Rodriguez then worked a 6 pitch walk, leading to the shenanigans that ended up giving the Yanks a 4 run inning and turning a 5-2 deficit into a 6-5 lead. This marked the first time the Yankees came back when trailing after 7 this year (0-23, I think).
Even when he's not knocking in runs, A-Rod is helping the Yankees win. In case I haven't convinced you, this is the alternative.
What to watch today:
NCAA Lacrosse championship game, SYRACUSE vs. Johns Hopkins, 1:00 EST (ESPN)
Yankees @ Orioles, 1:35 EST (YES)
Mets vs. Marlins 7:10 EST (SNY)
Happy Memorial Day. Support our troops; bring them home.
-The Schwab
Well, well, well. Since their embarrassing 12-2 loss to the Orioles on Tuesday, the New York football Yankees have won 5 in a row. There is one primary reason for this, and he enjoys the company of manly strippers.
In a move that will no doubt incur the wrath of the editors at the New York Post, I am naming Alex Rodriguez my MIP 2008. The play of the Yankees this week shows that there is no person more important to his team, this year, than the most comfortably compensated player in baseball.
You could refer to traditional stats (batting average, runs scored, RBIs, etc.). You could refer to stats that actually tell you how well a player plays (OPS+, on base pct., VORP, etc.). You could simply refer to the Pinstripers' win/loss record with versus without him. But for my money, the best measure for exactly how massive an impact A-Rod has on the Yankees is to watch the rest of his teammates hit.
With The Most Dangerous Hitter in Baseball in the lineup, pitchers are far more likely to want Damon, Jeter, and Abreu to put the ball in play. The difference is noticeable. The batters directly in front of A-Rod are getting much better pitches to hit and taking advantage. Pitchers fear the mythical creature that is A-God to the point where they offer up cookies to Mr. Calm Eyes and The Candyman (El Comedulce - Translation: The candy-eater. I'm not kidding.)
Rodriguez's return has also had a major impact on the hitters behind him. Nearly every one of A-Rod's at-bats are stressful for the pitcher, as he has an uncanny knack for making a pitcher throw 5+ pitches per plate appearance with no margin for error. In addition to raising the pitch count, Rodriguez sees a greater than normal amount of breaking balls during his average plate appearance. This allows the following batters to get a good look at the pitcher's offspeed stuff, giving them another huge advantage. Giambi, Cano, and Melky are also benefiting from the pressure A-Rod puts on the pitcher. Pitchers fatigue more quickly facing a hitter of A-Rod's caliber (see: A-Rod), and are more likely to make a mistake to the other hackers.
The 8th inning in yesterday's game is the perfect example. Jeter led off with a walk, causing Mariners' manager John McClaren to bring in Arthur Rhodes (!) to face Abreu in a Lefty/Lefty matchup. Abreu had a 9 pitch at bat, 7 of which were fastballs, before cranking a heater into right-center for a double. McClaren then motioned to the bullpen yet again to bring in his closer, J.J. Putz (side note: A-Rod also brings balance to the lefty-heavy lineup. One of the reasons McClaren felt forced to go to his closer with no outs in the 8th and men on was because A-Rod destroys lefty pitching like Britney Spears destroys my faith in Middle America). Rodriguez then worked a 6 pitch walk, leading to the shenanigans that ended up giving the Yanks a 4 run inning and turning a 5-2 deficit into a 6-5 lead. This marked the first time the Yankees came back when trailing after 7 this year (0-23, I think).
Even when he's not knocking in runs, A-Rod is helping the Yankees win. In case I haven't convinced you, this is the alternative.
What to watch today:
NCAA Lacrosse championship game, SYRACUSE vs. Johns Hopkins, 1:00 EST (ESPN)
Yankees @ Orioles, 1:35 EST (YES)
Mets vs. Marlins 7:10 EST (SNY)
Happy Memorial Day. Support our troops; bring them home.
-The Schwab
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Champions League Final Recap
I don't care if you like soccer at all, if this Champions League final between Man U and Chelsea didn't get you fired up, you're probably someone I have no interest in talking to. Like a NASCAR fan. Or Skip Bayless. Congratulations to Manchester United...the lesser of two evils prevailed.
Recap:
The first 20 minutes of the match were completely unspectacular, not surprising given the tentativeness and nervousness of each side. In the 20th, Makalele van Dammed Scholes nose with his forehead and bloodied him up. This seemed to spark United, as 6 minutes later, Wes Brown swung a beautiful cross into the box, which was headed in by Ronaldo with laserlike precision.
United dominated the rest of the first half until a comedy of errors gifted Chelsea an equalizer just before the break. Essien drilled a shot which ricocheted off about 6 United players, Sir Alex Ferguson, Roman Abramovich's wallet, Eric Cantona, and Avram Grant's insane wife before being bundled home by "Anne" Frank Lampard.
The second half started exactly as the first, with almost no chances for either side. Chelsea, clearly boosted by their late first half goal, had the better run of play, and started to create some chances after the 70th minute.
Extra time provided a lot of fireworks, especially in the second half, as building tensions finally boiled over. A skirmish between the sides ended up with a series of yellow cards and a shocking straight red card for Drogba. In a moment of absolute stupidity, Drogba slapped Vidic in the face, right in front of the ref. If the rumors are to be believed, Drogba is likely headed out of the Premiership via the transfer market this summer, so this may have been his last act in Chelsea Blue. Shades of Zidane in the world cup, anyone? Not having the Ivorian striker for penalties may have cost Chelsea and Abramovich their elusive first European championship title.
The match proceeded to spot kicks, where Tevez, Ballack, Carrick, and Beletti all scored. Ronaldo stepped up to take his penalty, did his (probably illegal) patented stutter step move, and pushed the ball right into Petr Cech's welcoming arms. Lampard, Hargreaves, Cole, and Nani all buried their strikes, so the Champions League title rested on the boot of Chelsea captain John Terry. And he should have won it. Edwin van der Sar dove to his right, and Terry aimed top left. Unfortunately for the Londoners, Terry slipped on the wet, newly installed field right as he was about to strike and the ball slammed off the right upright, giving United a second life. Anderson, Kalou, and Giggs took care of business, so it was down to winter transfer Nicolas Anelka to keep Chelsea alive. The French international fired left, van der Sar guessed correctly, punched the ball away, and secured another international success for Sir Alex and the double for this Man U squad.
Players of the Match:
Christiano Ronaldo
John Terry (Regular/Extra Time)
Frank Lampard
Wes Brown
Nemanja Vidic
Petr Cech
Goats of the Match:
Carlos Tevez
John Terry (penalties)
Rio Ferdinand
Didier Drogba
Nicolas Anelka
Luzhniki Stadium turf
Hopefully this will spark some American interest (finally?) in European soccer. If the rumors about ESPN3 and buying Premiership rights are true, I will be one absurdly happy Anglophile. Next year in Rome...go Gunners!
Are you watching, Arsene? This is what $20+ million signings get you.
-The Schwab
Recap:
The first 20 minutes of the match were completely unspectacular, not surprising given the tentativeness and nervousness of each side. In the 20th, Makalele van Dammed Scholes nose with his forehead and bloodied him up. This seemed to spark United, as 6 minutes later, Wes Brown swung a beautiful cross into the box, which was headed in by Ronaldo with laserlike precision.
United dominated the rest of the first half until a comedy of errors gifted Chelsea an equalizer just before the break. Essien drilled a shot which ricocheted off about 6 United players, Sir Alex Ferguson, Roman Abramovich's wallet, Eric Cantona, and Avram Grant's insane wife before being bundled home by "Anne" Frank Lampard.
The second half started exactly as the first, with almost no chances for either side. Chelsea, clearly boosted by their late first half goal, had the better run of play, and started to create some chances after the 70th minute.
Extra time provided a lot of fireworks, especially in the second half, as building tensions finally boiled over. A skirmish between the sides ended up with a series of yellow cards and a shocking straight red card for Drogba. In a moment of absolute stupidity, Drogba slapped Vidic in the face, right in front of the ref. If the rumors are to be believed, Drogba is likely headed out of the Premiership via the transfer market this summer, so this may have been his last act in Chelsea Blue. Shades of Zidane in the world cup, anyone? Not having the Ivorian striker for penalties may have cost Chelsea and Abramovich their elusive first European championship title.
The match proceeded to spot kicks, where Tevez, Ballack, Carrick, and Beletti all scored. Ronaldo stepped up to take his penalty, did his (probably illegal) patented stutter step move, and pushed the ball right into Petr Cech's welcoming arms. Lampard, Hargreaves, Cole, and Nani all buried their strikes, so the Champions League title rested on the boot of Chelsea captain John Terry. And he should have won it. Edwin van der Sar dove to his right, and Terry aimed top left. Unfortunately for the Londoners, Terry slipped on the wet, newly installed field right as he was about to strike and the ball slammed off the right upright, giving United a second life. Anderson, Kalou, and Giggs took care of business, so it was down to winter transfer Nicolas Anelka to keep Chelsea alive. The French international fired left, van der Sar guessed correctly, punched the ball away, and secured another international success for Sir Alex and the double for this Man U squad.
Players of the Match:
Christiano Ronaldo
John Terry (Regular/Extra Time)
Frank Lampard
Wes Brown
Nemanja Vidic
Petr Cech
Goats of the Match:
Carlos Tevez
John Terry (penalties)
Rio Ferdinand
Didier Drogba
Nicolas Anelka
Luzhniki Stadium turf
Hopefully this will spark some American interest (finally?) in European soccer. If the rumors about ESPN3 and buying Premiership rights are true, I will be one absurdly happy Anglophile. Next year in Rome...go Gunners!
Are you watching, Arsene? This is what $20+ million signings get you.
-The Schwab
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
State of the New York Sports Community Address
The New York Yankees -- Lets see: 5 games under .500, 7.5 games out of first, DEAD LAST IN THE AL EAST...not exactly what Mini-Boss had in mind for the season. The staff ERA is about minimum wage, the team batting average is around the legal BAC driving limit, and exactly 4 of the 8 position players can field better than Edward Scissorhands. And he has better range to his right than Jeter. Not good times. I'm mildly excited to see how the New York Post will blame A-Rod for this. As a note to my friends, family, and the small Asian family I have locked in my basement: one more Kei Igawa sighting will result in me hitting things. By things, I mean you, Hideki Irabu. You are responsible for this.
The New York Mets -- Probably justified tirade by Billy Wagner, followed by a closed door meeting, followed by knocking the crap out of the hapless Yankees, followed by a double-header sweep at the hands of the Braves. The Mets have no consistency or chemistry, yet decent starting pitching has kept them within striking distance of the NL's poorly attended, marine-life nicknamed, Floridian baseball team. Also, I would like to ask whoever took the surprisingly not Jewish Aaron Heilman and replaced him with a 12-year-old Swedish girl, to kindly return him to Queens. Thank you.
The New York Knicks -- Anyone who complained about signing Mike D'Antoni needs to shut the hell up right now. Does his coaching style mesh with the current personnel? No. Was he way overpaid? Yeah, probably. None of this should matter to the endangered species that is the Knicks fan. The interview process for the head coach needed only to have gone like this: Is your name Isaiah Thomas? No? Larry Brown? No? When can you start? Amazingly, the New York Asshats (until James Dolan sells the team) have not completely severed ties with The Worst Executive In Sports History. My solution? Treat Zeke like George W. Bush; put him in a playpen and dangle some shiny objects to keep him occupied. Draft D.J. Augustin, play David Lee 30+ minutes a game, somehow neutralize the Chemically Unbalanced Stephon Marbury, but most importantly: put up a big sign at Knicks' games reading, "Please do not feed the Eddy Curry". Seriously, he's starting to bear a striking resemblance to those Japanese monkeys.
The New York Jets -- Offseason has gone ridiculously well, aside from unnecessarily pissing off Chris Baker. Hated Vernon Ghoulston at Ohio State, thrilled to have him on the Jets. Tannenbaum and Mangina! seem to know what they're doing, a pleasant change from previous front office executives. O-line should be phenomenal this year, protecting either the Rhodes Scholar finalist with the plastic arm or the non(allegedly)-steroid abusing, child molesting, New York athlete named Clemens. Probably time to draft a QB in the first round. Prognosis: Weak schedule + alternating years making the playoffs + free agency acquisitions = wild card. Oh, and David Harris is really, really good.
The New York Rangers -- Well that was fun there for awhile. Can't complain too much about the season, although the Gomez and Drury signings didn't add up to any greater postseason success. Sean Avery deserves a key to the city for irritating the estrogen-fest that is Martin Brodeur. Honestly, I'm amazed that Petr Prucha wasn't accidentally consumed by either of Jagr's massive quads. One slight concern is age. The only young star is Marc Staal, and Shanahan, Drury, Gomez, and Jagr will be a year older. The first and last on that list may not even be playing for the Blueshirts next year. King Henrik can have my children.
The New York Giants -- This year was a year of discovery for the Giants. Tiki Barber discovered that he does not have a future in giving career advice. David Tyree ('Cuse!) discovered that it is impossible to excite Joe Buck during a football game without pretending to moon the fans. Tom Coughlin discovered Prozac. Eli Manning may have briefly discovered how to not suck...jury is still out. The sports broadcasting world discovered that there are approximately 376 ways to pronounce Mathias Kiwanuka and Osi Umenyiora's names, none of them correct. And the world discovered that Karma applies to football. I'll stop here so Gregg Easterbrook doesn't wet himself. Anyway, thank you for beating the Patriots when it mattered. Now please step aside so the other New York team can get some coverage.
Get better, Teddy Kennedy.
-Schwab
The New York Mets -- Probably justified tirade by Billy Wagner, followed by a closed door meeting, followed by knocking the crap out of the hapless Yankees, followed by a double-header sweep at the hands of the Braves. The Mets have no consistency or chemistry, yet decent starting pitching has kept them within striking distance of the NL's poorly attended, marine-life nicknamed, Floridian baseball team. Also, I would like to ask whoever took the surprisingly not Jewish Aaron Heilman and replaced him with a 12-year-old Swedish girl, to kindly return him to Queens. Thank you.
The New York Knicks -- Anyone who complained about signing Mike D'Antoni needs to shut the hell up right now. Does his coaching style mesh with the current personnel? No. Was he way overpaid? Yeah, probably. None of this should matter to the endangered species that is the Knicks fan. The interview process for the head coach needed only to have gone like this: Is your name Isaiah Thomas? No? Larry Brown? No? When can you start? Amazingly, the New York Asshats (until James Dolan sells the team) have not completely severed ties with The Worst Executive In Sports History. My solution? Treat Zeke like George W. Bush; put him in a playpen and dangle some shiny objects to keep him occupied. Draft D.J. Augustin, play David Lee 30+ minutes a game, somehow neutralize the Chemically Unbalanced Stephon Marbury, but most importantly: put up a big sign at Knicks' games reading, "Please do not feed the Eddy Curry". Seriously, he's starting to bear a striking resemblance to those Japanese monkeys.
The New York Jets -- Offseason has gone ridiculously well, aside from unnecessarily pissing off Chris Baker. Hated Vernon Ghoulston at Ohio State, thrilled to have him on the Jets. Tannenbaum and Mangina! seem to know what they're doing, a pleasant change from previous front office executives. O-line should be phenomenal this year, protecting either the Rhodes Scholar finalist with the plastic arm or the non(allegedly)-steroid abusing, child molesting, New York athlete named Clemens. Probably time to draft a QB in the first round. Prognosis: Weak schedule + alternating years making the playoffs + free agency acquisitions = wild card. Oh, and David Harris is really, really good.
The New York Rangers -- Well that was fun there for awhile. Can't complain too much about the season, although the Gomez and Drury signings didn't add up to any greater postseason success. Sean Avery deserves a key to the city for irritating the estrogen-fest that is Martin Brodeur. Honestly, I'm amazed that Petr Prucha wasn't accidentally consumed by either of Jagr's massive quads. One slight concern is age. The only young star is Marc Staal, and Shanahan, Drury, Gomez, and Jagr will be a year older. The first and last on that list may not even be playing for the Blueshirts next year. King Henrik can have my children.
The New York Giants -- This year was a year of discovery for the Giants. Tiki Barber discovered that he does not have a future in giving career advice. David Tyree ('Cuse!) discovered that it is impossible to excite Joe Buck during a football game without pretending to moon the fans. Tom Coughlin discovered Prozac. Eli Manning may have briefly discovered how to not suck...jury is still out. The sports broadcasting world discovered that there are approximately 376 ways to pronounce Mathias Kiwanuka and Osi Umenyiora's names, none of them correct. And the world discovered that Karma applies to football. I'll stop here so Gregg Easterbrook doesn't wet himself. Anyway, thank you for beating the Patriots when it mattered. Now please step aside so the other New York team can get some coverage.
Get better, Teddy Kennedy.
-Schwab
Introduction
Hello. My name is Justin Ames, and if you're reading this, hi mom! I'm a die-hard fan of the New York Yankees, Mets, Jets, Rangers, Arsenal, FC Barcelona, Syracuse, and the rotting corpse that is the Knicks. The creation of this blog was inspired by Zach Wallack, who, despite loving the Sox, Celts, and Pats, is a decent human being and a good friend. He is the co-proprietor of this blog and will post whenever the hell he wants. The blog's title is an homage to the most influential sports writer of the internet age; Bill Simmons. Zach first turned me on to Simmons during our Freshman year at Syracuse University, so I owe both a great deal of gratitude. Enjoy.
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