1. All Boston Celtics fan must now name one of their pets Ubuntu. If the Celts beat the Lakers, fans must bestow that name upon a male child. If they win back to back titles, the child must be the firstborn, regardless of gender.
2. Whenever Jordan Farmar records an assist, one member of ABC's announcing crew must point out how unsurprising it is that a Jew is racking up dimes. This is why Charles Barkley needs to be involved in the broadcast of every single sporting event.
3. To even things out for next season, this year's Larry O'Brien trophy winners will be forced to add Isiah Thomas to their front office. The runners-up must make Chris Wallace their GM. Boston Three Party my ass...
4. Kobe must have sex with someone other than his wife at halftime of Game 1 (is she willing? Text 7273 to vote yes, and 5437 to vote no).*
5. The losing team must choose between drinking a vial Magic Johnson's blood, or watching reruns of every episode of "The Magic Hour". I'd go with the former...
6. Kyle Korver will introduce Lakers' Vujacic, Radmanovic, Gasol, and Walton to shampoo and give Paul Pierce a razor with which to shave those ridiculous looking chin pubes. Despite the rematch this is not the '80s.
7. Speaking of the 80's, short shorts will not be tolerated. No one wants to see Kobe Bryant's Mamba (except Katelyn Faber...oh shit, son!) or Garnett's Big Ticket. The Lakers tried this in a regular season game against the Celtics, with predictable results.
8. Drink every time the Basketball Buddha outcoaches Doc Rivers. Have stomach pumped before the start of second quarter.
9. Boston must be referred to as Jesus and the Twelve Apostles after every shot Ray Allen hits. Brian Scalabrine guest stars as Judas.
10. All self respecting Lakers fans must respond to "Beat L.A." chants with "18-1" chants. Jack Nicholson must wear a mansierre at every game. Come on, Jack, do it for the children.
*The numbers have significance. Can you find out how? Hint: What do the numbers spell?
Justin Ames is...excited that Stephen A. Smith will only be yelling at my television set for another two weeks, tops.
-The Schwab
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