State of the New York Sports Community Address

The New York Yankees -- Lets see: 5 games under .500, 7.5 games out of first, DEAD LAST IN THE AL EAST...not exactly what Mini-Boss had in mind for the season. The staff ERA is about minimum wage, the team batting average is around the legal BAC driving limit, and exactly 4 of the 8 position players can field better than Edward Scissorhands. And he has better range to his right than Jeter. Not good times. I'm mildly excited to see how the New York Post will blame A-Rod for this. As a note to my friends, family, and the small Asian family I have locked in my basement: one more Kei Igawa sighting will result in me hitting things. By things, I mean you, Hideki Irabu. You are responsible for this.

The New York Mets -- Probably justified tirade by Billy Wagner, followed by a closed door meeting, followed by knocking the crap out of the hapless Yankees, followed by a double-header sweep at the hands of the Braves. The Mets have no consistency or chemistry, yet decent starting pitching has kept them within striking distance of the NL's poorly attended, marine-life nicknamed, Floridian baseball team. Also, I would like to ask whoever took the surprisingly not Jewish Aaron Heilman and replaced him with a 12-year-old Swedish girl, to kindly return him to Queens. Thank you.

The New York Knicks -- Anyone who complained about signing Mike D'Antoni needs to shut the hell up right now. Does his coaching style mesh with the current personnel? No. Was he way overpaid? Yeah, probably. None of this should matter to the endangered species that is the Knicks fan. The interview process for the head coach needed only to have gone like this: Is your name Isaiah Thomas? No? Larry Brown? No? When can you start? Amazingly, the New York Asshats (until James Dolan sells the team) have not completely severed ties with The Worst Executive In Sports History. My solution? Treat Zeke like George W. Bush; put him in a playpen and dangle some shiny objects to keep him occupied. Draft D.J. Augustin, play David Lee 30+ minutes a game, somehow neutralize the Chemically Unbalanced Stephon Marbury, but most importantly: put up a big sign at Knicks' games reading, "Please do not feed the Eddy Curry". Seriously, he's starting to bear a striking resemblance to those Japanese monkeys.

The New York Jets -- Offseason has gone ridiculously well, aside from unnecessarily pissing off Chris Baker. Hated Vernon Ghoulston at Ohio State, thrilled to have him on the Jets. Tannenbaum and Mangina! seem to know what they're doing, a pleasant change from previous front office executives. O-line should be phenomenal this year, protecting either the Rhodes Scholar finalist with the plastic arm or the non(allegedly)-steroid abusing, child molesting, New York athlete named Clemens. Probably time to draft a QB in the first round. Prognosis: Weak schedule + alternating years making the playoffs + free agency acquisitions = wild card. Oh, and David Harris is really, really good.

The New York Rangers -- Well that was fun there for awhile. Can't complain too much about the season, although the Gomez and Drury signings didn't add up to any greater postseason success. Sean Avery deserves a key to the city for irritating the estrogen-fest that is Martin Brodeur. Honestly, I'm amazed that Petr Prucha wasn't accidentally consumed by either of Jagr's massive quads. One slight concern is age. The only young star is Marc Staal, and Shanahan, Drury, Gomez, and Jagr will be a year older. The first and last on that list may not even be playing for the Blueshirts next year. King Henrik can have my children.

The New York Giants -- This year was a year of discovery for the Giants. Tiki Barber discovered that he does not have a future in giving career advice. David Tyree ('Cuse!) discovered that it is impossible to excite Joe Buck during a football game without pretending to moon the fans. Tom Coughlin discovered Prozac. Eli Manning may have briefly discovered how to not suck...jury is still out. The sports broadcasting world discovered that there are approximately 376 ways to pronounce Mathias Kiwanuka and Osi Umenyiora's names, none of them correct. And the world discovered that Karma applies to football. I'll stop here so Gregg Easterbrook doesn't wet himself. Anyway, thank you for beating the Patriots when it mattered. Now please step aside so the other New York team can get some coverage.



Get better, Teddy Kennedy.

-Schwab